Surprise Lessons

Sometimes, even when we think we know what the plan is, we're surprised when things turn out differently.

I thought my calling for the church here was one thing, when it turns out it was something much different. I know this now because my time there has come to an end; my family is cutting our losses and moving back to the Central Coast.

I'm not sure how my time there will have helped anyone, but I know it has. I also know it helped me. It showed me there are churches out there that I can really become a part of and give to that don't have a family member as the pastor. In fact, it showed me the pastor (though important) isn't as important as the whole community.

The community at this church was so loving and wonderful that even with only having attended a short time, we really felt like we belonged. We were committed to that church. It had been a long time since I felt that in a church. Maybe it had to do with the type of people there, or my own place in life (pregnant when we began attending) though I can't really be sure. All I know is that I felt hope again, for my own spiritual journey as well as Church as a whole.

We can't know what the plan is. We might have an idea, and that idea may be completely wrong. I thought we were going to stay at this church for a long time and that I would help shape the direction of its ministry, but instead it was a moment in time. It was just a stop on my spiritual journey with a large sign post showing me what could and will be.

The journey really is full of surprises.

I'm Not a Minister, I Just Act Like One

I'm not a minister...I'm not a minister...I'm not a minister.

Right.

As I've said many times, in many places, I am not a minister. Except, I am.

Damn it.

I'm not a minister...I'm not a minister...

In the past few months I came to a strange conclusion, and it's not exactly an easy one to admit. It might even sound strange to someone who doesn't have any ministers in their family.

I've been acting like a minister for my entire life.

You see, ministers and their families live incredibly political and highly scrutinized existences. When you grow up as a pastor's kid (or PK) you internalize (or rebel against) all the accompanying expectations of being in such an environment.

While I was anything but perfect, I did a good job of towing the family line. In fact, I did such a good job, I ended up taking on the role of minister without realizing it.

I'll give you a few examples.

I'm interested in religion, always have been (probably would have been even if my parents weren't ordained clergy). I have a couple shelves worth of books devoted to religion generally as well as religious texts. I know a fair amount about the subject. As such, people ask me questions. I end up giving impromptu lessons on the differences between protestantism and Catholicism all the time. I teach people the differences between Southern Baptists and American Baptists regularly. I can explain the similarities between the big 6 (the six most influential world faiths), and on a good day, the differences.

But that's kind of expected. That's not the worst of my informal ministerial role.

The worst is I don't have close friends. I mean, I do. I have people that I consider close to me, and people who are important to me, but I never reveal myself completely to these people. There are always pieces of me that are hidden. No one knows the whole story (I mean, if you want to get technical no one can, but you understand what I mean?). I hide things. It's not that I don't consciously trust them. I do...consciously. It's just that subconsciously I'm acting as a minister. Ministers don't become "friends" with people in their churches. They are "friendly." There is always a barrier between ministers and their congregants. They are always professional, even as they behave in friendly ways. They are counselors, advisors, teachers, and guides, but never - never are they "friends."

The problem is I don't have a church...so...I act that way with everyone (except my family).

I've had people call me after years of not speaking asking for advice. I even slip into the role of counselor with people that I've known for years. I do it without thinking about it. It's only when I'm half done giving advice that I realized what I've done.

And before I know it, I've taken on that role with that person.

It sucks.

Now that I recognize this in myself, I'm not entirely sure what to do. It is a natural state for me. I do it well (I mean, I was sort of bred this way). Taking down walls with people who I feel close to is difficult. I've been doing this for so long it's a struggle to bare my vulnerabilities and concerns to people I would call close friends. I'm not sure when I should turn this state "on" and when it should go "off." The whole thing is scary.

I wonder now if the personal difficulties I've had this summer are a way for me to learn how to be close to people - to let someone else take care of me in the way I've been caring for others all my life. It might be one of the lessons I'm supposed to learn (though Lord knows it's hard). Even if it's not the main lesson, it is certainly something I need to practice. Who knows? I might actually figure out how to be a regular person. What a thought!