Morality, Calling, and Signposts

Bleak? Or a change in the weather?

I am struggling to see the good in the world today. Last night I read another article about another group of politicians intending to hurt people by taking away basic necessities and it kept me awake. It made me physically sick. It made me so angry that someone who claimed to be for family, for God, would do something, even if it is only political strategy, at the expense of people's lives.

There is no excuse.

No major world religion I have read about wants this. And I have read a LOT about gods. I have read a LOT about religion. A LOT. It is one of the things that comes up in my life over and over.

And I love people. I mean, I hate them, but I love them. Sort of like Jonah. Sometimes I don't want to save people from themselves...some of them may not deserve it...but then again, even the worst can repent.

And they should have a chance. But shouldn't there be consequences for hurting thousands of people? Isn't that - more than anything - immoral?

But I cannot focus on this. I cannot keep turning towards this, except as motivation to spur me forward - to create positive change around me. And I am motivated. Everything I read stokes my fire. Every conversation I have pushes me in the same direction.

This past week I met a person who gave me a huge jolt of positive energy. Talking with her affirmed what I am doing. I realized that God wasn't content with closing all the other options, but decided to send me a few more signposts. I received positive responses to my speaking inquiries. I received positive responses to my story from more than one quarter - from friends, strangers, and professional acquaintances.

If there was any doubt, it is gone. Whatever happens from here on out, I am not worried. Whatever happens, at least I know I'm fulfilling my calling. And that is edifying, even as it requires fire.

The Blessing of Pride: Churches Coming Out

Last night I attended a little panel discussion at my church given by Pacific Pride. There were a few things that stood out about the panel to me.

First, the panelists all had some connection to faith. Generally this was something in the past (and had left scars) and more rarely, it was something in the present.

Second, there were only two panelists who were around my age (actually younger), and the rest were significantly older. The point was made throughout the evening that experiences of LGBTQ people are divided generationally. The experiences of the older panelists were radically different from the younger ones, and certainly different compared to the experiences of my LGBTQ friends.

Third, there was a theme of self exploration and the encouragement of self exploration, not only in relation to personal gender identity, but across the board (As an INFJ personality, I can't agree more!).

And finally, there was a theme of coming out and welcoming.

This last one is what I really want to talk about because it points to several issues in the church. While the panelists asserted that no church should have to "come out" in support of any group of people (see: the message of Jesus), without this act, the very people a church seeks to help will be unwelcome.

In other words, a church must take an open stand, or come out, in order to be recognized as a welcoming place.

There are so many churches in this world that do not take stands on issues. If a person were to call and ask a "closeted" church if they were welcoming of a given group of people, it is hard to know how they would respond. The reality is, most people wouldn't ask, and it isn't their responsibility to ask.

The Church is meant to be a witness to the world. The Church is meant to declare its stances to the world and defend them, regardless of what other people and institutions think. Inevitably this gets individual churches and the Church as a whole into trouble, but that is what Jesus requires us to do. Sometimes, you just need to flip a table. Sometimes you need to call a person out.

My church in Goleta (or rather my dad's church as I'm slightly transient) has yet to take a stand on this. Part of me understands why the community has been dragging its feet (think: denominational BS). Part. Most of me has no idea why they haven't just come out yet. I mean, how can you have 3 openly gay staff members over the years and NOT openly stand up for them?! That's crazy! 

My only guess is it is fear - fear about the unknown - about what will happen if they make a stand. But here's the thing: fear isn't a good enough reason to stop from doing something. Jesus tells us not to be afraid. God tells us not to be afraid, but to step out in faith, and act according to God's will. All God's children deserve love, community, welcoming, and nurturing.

I don't think there's any question here - it's time to come out.

Knowing v. Feeling Faith

I've been neglectful of this blog because, quite frankly, I've had very little to say on faith at this time. I feel like I've been beating a dead horse, and well, what's the point?

My personal life has taken more intense directions recently and continues to be difficult, which is probably why I'm writing what I'm writing.

When I was 19 years old I went on a unique mission trip experience. American Baptist International Ministries had a program (still have, amazingly) called Xtreme Team that was for 19 through 29 year olds to experience mission. Team members went to a random country for a month and a half, and saw the different aspects of mission. In particular, members would wake up and not know where they'd be sleeping that night, what they would eat, or where they were going. It was a kind of let-tomorrow-take-care-of-itself/lilies-of-the-field thing.

Through this experience, I changed. I learned that I didn't need to have everything right then. I didn't need to know what would happen right then. I just needed to trust.

The problem is when you reach a point of Job like proportions, it's hard to trust that God will take care of you. It's hard to know that everything will work out.

Last night I had a long conversation with my brother about some of the things going on in each of our lives. At the end, I told him, "No matter how things go, everything will be okay. You'll be alright." I couldn't help but feel the irony of me telling him the very thing I need to feel deep in my bones.

I know, and my brother probably knows, that everything will be alright. While he didn't go to Central America and wonder what Xtreme thing he'd do like I did in 2002, he has lived enough to know. We adults all have. But knowing and feeling are two different things.

Why Worry?

Worrying brings no benefit.

This past Sunday our friend and youth pastor had some points in his sermon about worrying that struck close to home. He even mentioned some things that he does that I started to do last week...or was it the week before? I can't keep track. My days and nights have blurred (newborns will do that to you).

The classic scripture of "Tomorrow will take care of itself..." and God takes care of lilies, so of course he'll take care of you - in other words, "Don't worry. Be happy."

That's easier said than done, especially for those of us who are worrywarts (note: I'm holding 2 hands high in the air here...waving, and jumping up and down shouting "Me! Me!"). But here's the thing - worrying is a mark, and it's not the kind you want to have.

Worrying shows that you don't trust - that you have less faith. I know what I'm talking about. The things I worry about are the things I'm not sure will get done. Granted, what happens if those things don't get done? Usually we're just talking about a messy counter top or my baby having a redder bottom than I'd like. BUT there are other things that I see as potential catastrophes in my head (like what will happen when we leave the Bay area and move in with my parents, or Christian can't get a job right away.). The first category I can separate myself from a little - those small things are annoying if they don't get done but the world doesn't end with a messy counter. I can consciously choose to let go of those worries. The second one is a bit harder.

Even though I know I do all I can about those major concerns, and I reach the limit of what I can control, I still worry about them sometimes. I have less faith they will be resolved. I trust less that something will correct them.

The funny thing is, I also know, intellectually, something will correct them. I think the real worry is that I'll have to deal with an even worse situation before everything is righted.

Yes, worrying is fruitless. The things we can change we do (so no worries) and the things we can't, well there's no point. Instead, we need to take a step back and quiet our minds. Pray. That is something we can do no matter how much control we have over a given situation.

Yes. I should definitely pray more. It does a soul good. It may even calm the mind. We can even look at it as though we're giving our worries over to the Divine, then maybe we can trust a bit more and let our faith flourish.

I'd like that a whole lot better than worrying.

Trust is a Hard Thing

I should believe things will turn out better than alright - that they will be wonderful. And part of me thinks that. But part of me is struggling to believe even as I repeat these ideas regularly to myself.

Even after so many people have come up to bat on our behalf, and all the amazing support we've been given with the crazy financial things going on in our lives, I'm still struggling to believe that something will manifest.

And I'm the "positive one" in my marriage. Just imagine what Christian's thinking.

I know there are tons of people around us praying and sending positive thoughts our way. I know that, both intellectually and emotionally. I feel it quite often. And I thank God daily for the amazing community that we found in the church we attend, as well as my father's church.

Thing is, that's not enough.

I'm a hungry person - not my stomach - but my mind and soul. I need a lot. I need regular reassurance. I need regular affirmation. I'm open to how it comes - I don't care what vessel or form it takes, but I do need it. When I have to go without reassurance or affirmation for a period of time, I begin to doubt. I begin to lose hope and faith. I go dark.

In the midst of the worst part of our summer's crisis, I was getting a lot of those reassurances and affirmations in all kinds of ways from people and from God. But now that things have settled into a dangerous balancing act, I feel a little like I've been left out in the cold. The result is I'm starting to stress out a bit more. I'm struggling a little bit more. I'm doubting a little bit more.

My hope is I'll be given another sign soon to lead me to the next step or whatever. That would be enough to carry me for a while, at least to see that step through. And somewhere deep down I know I will be given that sign. I've been pretty fortunate that way. But at the same time, part of me doubts.

It's hard to trust God will show us the next step. It's hard to have faith when we're in the middle of a difficult situation that doesn't seem to be changing. But it will change. There will be a next step, and when I'm shown it, I will take it. Because even if I doubt, ultimately, I trust the plan. And you should too.