Knowing v. Feeling Faith

I've been neglectful of this blog because, quite frankly, I've had very little to say on faith at this time. I feel like I've been beating a dead horse, and well, what's the point?

My personal life has taken more intense directions recently and continues to be difficult, which is probably why I'm writing what I'm writing.

When I was 19 years old I went on a unique mission trip experience. American Baptist International Ministries had a program (still have, amazingly) called Xtreme Team that was for 19 through 29 year olds to experience mission. Team members went to a random country for a month and a half, and saw the different aspects of mission. In particular, members would wake up and not know where they'd be sleeping that night, what they would eat, or where they were going. It was a kind of let-tomorrow-take-care-of-itself/lilies-of-the-field thing.

Through this experience, I changed. I learned that I didn't need to have everything right then. I didn't need to know what would happen right then. I just needed to trust.

The problem is when you reach a point of Job like proportions, it's hard to trust that God will take care of you. It's hard to know that everything will work out.

Last night I had a long conversation with my brother about some of the things going on in each of our lives. At the end, I told him, "No matter how things go, everything will be okay. You'll be alright." I couldn't help but feel the irony of me telling him the very thing I need to feel deep in my bones.

I know, and my brother probably knows, that everything will be alright. While he didn't go to Central America and wonder what Xtreme thing he'd do like I did in 2002, he has lived enough to know. We adults all have. But knowing and feeling are two different things.

Modern Samaritans

This past week I moved. As part of the move I had the chance to spend several hours in the car with my infant son and my mother-in-law. This might sound like a horrible thing to some people (and indeed for some it might in fact be a horrible thing)  but my baby is a darling and I genuinely like my mother-in-law.

So we got to talk...for about 5 hours. We talked about many things but most importantly I was able to ask her about her brother. This is something I've wanted to ask for a long time. My mother-in-law's brother was killed in a plane crash along with her father many years before. While they come up in conversation on occasion, it was rare for any details to be shared. My husband, however, always brings up the subject for his grandmother because he looks so much like his long dead uncle.

It turns out that's not the only resemblance.

As we talked, I learned Christian's uncle had many similar personality traits, including something that has caused some inconvenience for me on more than one occasion. Like his uncle, Christian is generous and helpful. He inherited the need to help people. Every time we come upon a stranded motorist, Christian wants to stop and help them. If there is someone clearly in distress on the sidewalk where we are, he wants to stop and help them. This has made us late, completely derailed our schedule, and sometimes required urgent searches for toilets.

While it can be inconvenient, I wouldn't trade this trait in my husband, or his family, for anything. There are so few people who will stop and help a person these days, that my husband seems to be a dying breed. I don't know if this is because fewer people are raised in the Church and so no longer have the drive to do good deeds or if it is due to the fear of other people that is instilled in us through news media. Whatever the case, it is rare that a person will stop to help another.

I wish I was comfortable stopping to help a random person, but I'm not Christian. My husband is a large, intimidating man, and could easily handle a crazy or violent person. I cannot. However, I do help when I feel safe doing so. Giving my leftover lunch to someone who is obviously hungry and begging on the street is an easy thing. Giving up my seat in the doctor's office to an old woman who is unsteady on her feet is a no-brainer. While these aren't as spectacular as the help my husband gives, they are definitely appreciated by the person being helped.

This is the kind of giving and compassionate heart people of faith must have. These actions bring light to the world. I hope as a mother, I can bring more of this as well as instill that kind of love and caring in my son. We should all be modern day good Samaritans.

Why Grow?

The pastor of our beloved East Bay church had a good sermon this past week that raised a very important issue - motivation, specifically motivation surrounding growth.

What is the point in trying to grow a church? I mean, if it doesn't have anything worth while, then why try to grow it?

I've gotten pretty Zen as I've gotten older and so the idea of hanging on to something when it has lost relevance doesn't appeal. We have to let it go.

Now, if a church has something to offer, and members are excited about these offerings and want to share them with other people, that's a whole other issue. In that case, OF COURSE INVITE PEOPLE TO CHURCH!

Clarifying our motivation behind the desire for new members is important, just as it is with any endeavor. It shows in our actions. When we try to get members because we want to get more money into the church, or because we're worried our church will die without them, we will NOT increase membership. We must have good intentions - pure motivation. We have to want new members because we genuinely believe joining our church will be enriching and affirming. People pick up on that sort of thing.

So the question remains, why should our church grow?

Surprise Lessons

Sometimes, even when we think we know what the plan is, we're surprised when things turn out differently.

I thought my calling for the church here was one thing, when it turns out it was something much different. I know this now because my time there has come to an end; my family is cutting our losses and moving back to the Central Coast.

I'm not sure how my time there will have helped anyone, but I know it has. I also know it helped me. It showed me there are churches out there that I can really become a part of and give to that don't have a family member as the pastor. In fact, it showed me the pastor (though important) isn't as important as the whole community.

The community at this church was so loving and wonderful that even with only having attended a short time, we really felt like we belonged. We were committed to that church. It had been a long time since I felt that in a church. Maybe it had to do with the type of people there, or my own place in life (pregnant when we began attending) though I can't really be sure. All I know is that I felt hope again, for my own spiritual journey as well as Church as a whole.

We can't know what the plan is. We might have an idea, and that idea may be completely wrong. I thought we were going to stay at this church for a long time and that I would help shape the direction of its ministry, but instead it was a moment in time. It was just a stop on my spiritual journey with a large sign post showing me what could and will be.

The journey really is full of surprises.

Why Worry?

Worrying brings no benefit.

This past Sunday our friend and youth pastor had some points in his sermon about worrying that struck close to home. He even mentioned some things that he does that I started to do last week...or was it the week before? I can't keep track. My days and nights have blurred (newborns will do that to you).

The classic scripture of "Tomorrow will take care of itself..." and God takes care of lilies, so of course he'll take care of you - in other words, "Don't worry. Be happy."

That's easier said than done, especially for those of us who are worrywarts (note: I'm holding 2 hands high in the air here...waving, and jumping up and down shouting "Me! Me!"). But here's the thing - worrying is a mark, and it's not the kind you want to have.

Worrying shows that you don't trust - that you have less faith. I know what I'm talking about. The things I worry about are the things I'm not sure will get done. Granted, what happens if those things don't get done? Usually we're just talking about a messy counter top or my baby having a redder bottom than I'd like. BUT there are other things that I see as potential catastrophes in my head (like what will happen when we leave the Bay area and move in with my parents, or Christian can't get a job right away.). The first category I can separate myself from a little - those small things are annoying if they don't get done but the world doesn't end with a messy counter. I can consciously choose to let go of those worries. The second one is a bit harder.

Even though I know I do all I can about those major concerns, and I reach the limit of what I can control, I still worry about them sometimes. I have less faith they will be resolved. I trust less that something will correct them.

The funny thing is, I also know, intellectually, something will correct them. I think the real worry is that I'll have to deal with an even worse situation before everything is righted.

Yes, worrying is fruitless. The things we can change we do (so no worries) and the things we can't, well there's no point. Instead, we need to take a step back and quiet our minds. Pray. That is something we can do no matter how much control we have over a given situation.

Yes. I should definitely pray more. It does a soul good. It may even calm the mind. We can even look at it as though we're giving our worries over to the Divine, then maybe we can trust a bit more and let our faith flourish.

I'd like that a whole lot better than worrying.

Human Action is God Action

There comes a time when everyone has to make a choice. You can sit on your butt and do nothing, or you can act.

Some people say that humans don't need to act - that trusting God is enough. I'm thinking of Christian Scientists or other groups (several Pentecostal churches come to mind). Certainly there are many groups like this. However, they are missing something major when they do not act:

God works through people.

People are vessels for God's miracles. People are routes for God's will on Earth. We can experience God's mercy, grace, compassion, and unconditional love through the acts of others.

If we think about life this way, it becomes clear that bumper sticker so popular a few years ago ("practice random acts of kindness") was wrong. Acts are not random, especially ones of kindness and grace. They are the purposeful and necessary work of God. There's nothing random about it, though it may appear so to us.

It would seem that we should listen to the stirrings of our heart when it yearns to act for the good of others. These are the movements, the yearnings, of the Spirit. Inaction, waiting for something to happen, does nothing to fulfill God's will. In fact, it prevents it. So when we feel the urge to act, as instruments of God it is essential that we do. We cannot afford to stand still.

Childbirth is Sacred

If you follow my other blogs or my profile on other social media then you know I had my baby. As such my life is a little different these days.

If you want to read about my birth story, you can do that at Raising An Alien. However, one thing I didn't mention there that makes sense to say here is the self-talk I did while in labor.

As I was going through my pressure waves (contractions) in early labor, I made a noise similar to "Om" or "ah" though my mouth was closed. The sound helped me focus, and it reminded me of chanting. It was a natural thing for me to do - I just slipped into this sound. But the result was interesting. As I made this sound and looked around the dim room or noticed the candle next to the large soaking tub, I recognized how incredibly sacred childbirth is.

I was ritualistically bringing life into the world.

I kept saying that to myself in my head - reminding myself of these facts.

Childbirth isn't something that should routinely happen under bright lights surrounded by machines. It is a holy thing - a special thing. It is a kind of worship. Yes, it is messy and can be loud. Yes only women can do it actively...but partners are as much a part of the process. It is one of the ways humans can be closest to the Divine through creation.

Now more than ever, I am in awe of other women - of all women who have given birth. It is such a holy and unique thing. It is a divine and giving act that everyone is not able to do.

Mothers are truly blessed by God.