Trust is a Hard Thing

I should believe things will turn out better than alright - that they will be wonderful. And part of me thinks that. But part of me is struggling to believe even as I repeat these ideas regularly to myself.

Even after so many people have come up to bat on our behalf, and all the amazing support we've been given with the crazy financial things going on in our lives, I'm still struggling to believe that something will manifest.

And I'm the "positive one" in my marriage. Just imagine what Christian's thinking.

I know there are tons of people around us praying and sending positive thoughts our way. I know that, both intellectually and emotionally. I feel it quite often. And I thank God daily for the amazing community that we found in the church we attend, as well as my father's church.

Thing is, that's not enough.

I'm a hungry person - not my stomach - but my mind and soul. I need a lot. I need regular reassurance. I need regular affirmation. I'm open to how it comes - I don't care what vessel or form it takes, but I do need it. When I have to go without reassurance or affirmation for a period of time, I begin to doubt. I begin to lose hope and faith. I go dark.

In the midst of the worst part of our summer's crisis, I was getting a lot of those reassurances and affirmations in all kinds of ways from people and from God. But now that things have settled into a dangerous balancing act, I feel a little like I've been left out in the cold. The result is I'm starting to stress out a bit more. I'm struggling a little bit more. I'm doubting a little bit more.

My hope is I'll be given another sign soon to lead me to the next step or whatever. That would be enough to carry me for a while, at least to see that step through. And somewhere deep down I know I will be given that sign. I've been pretty fortunate that way. But at the same time, part of me doubts.

It's hard to trust God will show us the next step. It's hard to have faith when we're in the middle of a difficult situation that doesn't seem to be changing. But it will change. There will be a next step, and when I'm shown it, I will take it. Because even if I doubt, ultimately, I trust the plan. And you should too.